“How?” I asked myself, in response to my dreams this morning….
Swoop in and rescue that friend of mine who I know is sleeping rough on the streets of London today. Kicked out by his mother, Lover about to leave him to return to Germany… My heart quivers and something within me says “not that way, that is distraction…” Sensibly, my heart aches – I can see this… This is their path, and the harder path they could have chosen… This is their journey, and their learning… And I cannot, “should not” jump in and rescue – no matter how much I want to. There simply isn’t space in my home at the moment to offer them space… And that hurts…..
So, I sit. And I ask, “How? Where? What action?” And what rises within me is to share what I know… Always, always it comes back to this… “To share what I know….”
And in order to do this, I need boundaries, structure, support – to take the time to go within each day to connect, to feel into my heart, and that sense of connection I hold within to what I call “Soul and the Divine” – and to share, from this place…
I’ve taken a rest from teaching courses recently. Intuitively led, exhausted by holding space for months… I made that choice a few weeks ago. Frustrated at my own inability to complete simple tasks connected with practical aspects of teaching online – disconnected feeling.
And I am so glad I did! Storms, power cuts, illness, mothering – how I would have coped with the added weight of teaching and holding space, I don’t honestly know! Instead, a new project arose, new excitement, new people, new perspectives, new insights… And there has been time to rest within myself, asking, “How? Where? What action?” and to rest within those boundaries of “Not now, not yet” for creating more of what I was doing before…. What lies ahead, in the next few months of creating content, courses, – and “MORE” – is still unfolding. And there is a lightness and a sweet joy to it…
And a sense of boundaries. Knowing my boundaries. What I can and cannot do, what my heart, soul and intuition calls me towards – and what it says no to. It hurts not to reach out and rescue… and yet… from past experiences, there is a sense of rightness. Not this, not my role, not this time. Not for me to do. Yet… Living within those boundaries of sitting with my intuition and heart, reaching out where I can to take action – and knowing what action to take, and when… That is a challenge. Keeping my boundaries so that I can hold the space – and the time – to sit down with those questions of “How? Where? What action?” and from this, to offer up more Love… It feels a little like what I imagine triage might feel… Stepping aside from a small action, to honour the bigger call, the bigger need… even when my heart aches at the necessity to do so… Honouring that pull, honouring that call from heart and soul, and that sense of connection I feel to what I term Soul and Divine, recognising the judgement within it even as I do so.
Loving MORE. And holding boundaries at the same time as to what I can, or cannot do.
Recognising that if I do not honour myself first, and that call, I am once more pulled into cycles of exhaustion and overwhelm… And that would serve no one….